Thoughts on Marrying an Introvert

A preface::  this post has nothing to do with order, house, or kids stuff.  Strictly personal today.

Last week, my friend Emily posted a well-known (new to me, though) article called "Caring for Your Introvert" by Johnathan Rauch.  There is a follow up interview that is thought-provoking as well... the title alone is hilarious.

The topic of introversion and extroversion has come up many times this year, but for some reason these particular articles have motivated me to learn more about these strange creatures, the introverts.  I mean, I *do* live with one.  I've known that for a long time.  But, what I haven't known is how our opposite dispositions deeply impact my expectations, my emotions, and therefore my marriage.

Gosh, I truly don't know how much detail to give here.  I'll let my husband read it before I post it... it's no secret that extroverts need to talk/write to process, and might do so without actually meaning the first few things said/written.  Maybe we're the weird ones after all.  So, anyhow, I'll dive in and have Dave edit later.

So, I tend to be open and verbal about my emotions and thoughts.  It is easy for me to connect with people, especially those who reciprocate.  I long for deep, intimate relationships, whether that's with friends or family.  I find myself dissatisfied with shallow friendships and even try to think about how I can connect better, or more often, or whatever, in order to build friendships.  It bothers me to no end that we bought a house on a street full of introverts (well, introverts and super-busy people).  I care about my neighbors (though there's a few so deeply-entrenched introverts that they have only been spotted them a time or two, like endangered creatures).... but, I don't understand why no one wants to get together, to have coffee, to talk, or even connect momentarily, but regularly, on the street as we go about our days.  This is nothing against these exotic animals.... it's simply different.... and hard for me to appreciate, since I am the opposite.  I even had a neighbor, a sweet older woman, tell me the day we moved in that it was nice to meet us and she'll probably wave when she sees us, but she won't come over to talk.  Well, at least she set the expectations at the beginning!  I respect that now, though at the time I thought it was odd (a classic mistake we extroverts make, thinking introversion to be odd...it's not).  She is a true introvert.

In recent years, especially since the birth of our second child, connecting with my husband has been hard.  I could blame it on the intense years of having little kids, but now I am wondering if it's something else altogether... perhaps being "married singles" for 8 years before kids set me up for disappointment later.  Dave now has three people in his household making demands upon him, and that is beyond the regular demands of working in manufacturing, as well as serving at church by playing drums (one of the few activities that he actually enjoys these days).  I remember the first time he said that word, "demanding."  He said he has a demanding job, demanding kids, and a demanding wife, but hey, don't take it the wrong way, honey.  I didn't understand... I don't force him to do anything.  I don't consciously pressure him to do extroverted-type things like I did when we were first married.  But, now.... I might be getting it..  Just another's presence alone can be demanding and full of unspoken pressure to an introvert.  Especially one who almost never has a moment alone.

In the past, and even recent past, our evenings and weekends have been rough.  Not enjoyable for anyone in our family except the short people who only need Legos in order to have a great time.  There has been an unspoken pressure that neither of us have been able to define.  It's weird expectations.  It's feeling that whatever the other person is doing is not what they should be doing.  Or feeling like we *must* spend every waking moment together doing the same activity, whether it's watching a TV show, or tidying up the house, even if both of us would rather be alone.  Weird cannot begin to describe it, because neither of us wants any of that.  It's ridiculous, stupid and a complete waste of emotional energy.

In the last few months, especially since I have been learning about and reveling in God's grace for me and the rest of humanity, the pressure is slightly...lessened.  I'm learning to accept my introvert for who he is and not try to push connecting and talking and doing and whatever.  I mistakenly believed our almost 14-year marriage had problems, when now I think that *I* have had problems... problems understanding and respecting what makes up my husband's personality.  Several months ago, a friend suggested I become a student of my husband's personality, in the name of strengthening our marriage.  I never followed up on it.  I don't know why....but I do know I regret not listening to her.  She was right, and now I understand the value of getting what makes Dave tick.  I doubt I have scratched the surface, yet there is hope in this new basic awareness.  Hope.

My favorite line from the Rauch article sums it up perfectly  ::

"Remember, someone you know, respect, and interact with every day is an introvert, and you are probably driving this person nuts. "

Paint By Numbers?

So, the walls in my living room are mostly blank and boring and I've been unsure about how to fill the wall.  Shelving?  Barrister's bookcase?  Artwork?  The one wall that bothers me the most is pretty huge....the ceilings are about 16 feet tall (don't quote me on that).  The only thing on the wall is an entertainment console and the TV.

My current view of said wall, as I sit on the sectional and blog.

Bor-ring, no?  Keep in mind that wall stretches another many, many feet above where the photo ends... we're talking a lot of grey.

I've thought it would be cool to have some sort of artwork hanging to the left of the TV... something soft, maybe a tapestry of some sort.  But, like I said, I have been paralyzed and haven't run across just the right thing.  Story of a perfectionist's life.

But...

While at Home Depot today browsing the spray paint, I noticed their canvas drop cloths.  There was one that was five foot square with hemmed edges for less than $8.  I picked it up, thinking maybe I could create something for that wall out of the canvas.  

I got home, hopped on Facebook and asked my creative sister-in-law to help me brainstorm ideas on what to do with the canvas.  She pointed me to this post from Layla, a blogger from Birmingham.  Paint by numbers?  Really.  Oh yes.  I am sold.

So, I've been browsing Ebay and Joann's for paint by number kits... Joann's was basically a waste.  Ebay was far more entertaining.  Turns out there is a surprising amount of dirty paint by number kits.  And a not-so-surprising amount of tacky paint by number kits.  Anyhow, I would love to hear some input on a few I am considering, so give me your thoughts in the comments, please!

Let's start with my favorite piece  ::

Kidding.  Clearly.

This one is actually my favorite  ::

Okay, for real.   Option 1  ::

Option 2  ::

Option 3  ::

Option 4  ::

Option 5  ::

I like that the method on Layla's blog allows for customization of colors, so each of these PBN projects could look very different (soft and neutral, edgy and bright, etc.) based on my own color choices. Also, I am not sold on any of these, so if I find more options, I'll post them here for more feedback.  Okay!  Thoughts!  Let's have 'em!

House Tour :: Sewing Room :: Indecent Order

I recently did a sewing room tour post and things had been looking pretty good.  When my friend Sarah came over the other day to take some house tour photos for me, the sewing room was pretty much a pit.  She took a couple of shots.  This first shot isn't too messy, but I did want to show off Sarah's photography skillz, so I am including it here.  (BTW, she was shooting in a windowless basement room... pretty good!)

But then, there was the couch area.  There were piles of pillows, curtains, cut up sheets, dried flowers, silk flowers and more junked up on and in front of the couch.  It's kind of like this a lot.... a clean sewing room is certainly the exception.  What is interesting to me is how Sarah took such a pretty shot of what is an eye sore in real life.

On top of the sewing table was a pile of church-related sewing.  It included this little fabric sign I later pinned to the table cloths so that set-up people (usually dudes who aren't super concerned about table cloths... they want to help and set up and get it done, but they don't always know which way is right on the linens) can have a hint about how certain linens have to be placed.

Drummer Ceeber

Calvin is almost twenty three months old.  He usually plays drums with three sticks at a time.

[Photos by Sarah Cook.]

Calvin's Toys

Anything is a toy to sweet Calvin....just like any toddler is entertained by thermometers and book lights.  As for his "real toys," I store them in a basket in his room.  The basket used to be in the dining room, then the living room, but when he turned around 20 months old, it was time to move the basket into his bedroom.  He doesn't have to be under constant supervision (like within my vision) anymore, and I generally want most toys to live in the kids' rooms.  Certainly, stuff migrates out during the day (currently looking at a rubber ducky, some noisy police car contraption, a pretend syringe and its still morning), but it always ends up back in its home in a toy box/basket, closet, bin, etc. located in the kids' rooms.  

Here is his toy set up (though there are few things in his closet that I get down when he seems bored)  ::

[Artwork is by Andrea D'Aquino.  It's called Two Fish and Calvin loves the guitars.]

The wall hooks are from Hobby Lobby, just for fun.  Different toys end up on the hooks depending on the day.

And, a view of the toy basket.... pretty random stuff (like the neck pillow), mixed in with favorites like the yellow drum.

House Tour :: Family Room

Welcome to the basement family room.... this is where Dave's drums and rocks live, as well as our desktop computer.  We sometimes watch movies or Netflix shows down here, and I also work on our bills, adoption, and sometimes blog from this room.  The kids' floor puzzles live down here, along with umbrellas and other non-toy toys.  From an organizational standpoint, it is great to have infrequently used toys like the puzzles here, since we aren't in this room as much as the rest of the house (the upstairs level)... keeps the toys novel and special when the kids do come down to play.

This overall shot is mine... the difference between this photo and the rest, which my friend Sarah took, is pretty clear.  

The desk, with a corner of the drumset on the far right (and btw, the paint color is Sherwin Williams Warm Stone) ::

From the desk top... a Sarah Cook photo of my kids and my neice from 2010, the satellite box, modem, a couple of cat figurines, remotes, the TV/monitor.

A few of the rocks featured on the Ikea shelving above the desk  (oooh, and a Sarah Cook photo of Tucker from a year ago  ::

Oh, I love the snapshot of Tucker and my dad from our big Thanksgiving trip to NYC last year... also a shot of our family of three when Tucker was about 6 months old...

A full shot of Dave's electronic drum set... his non-electronic set lives in the garage so he can easily load it for playing at church.

On the wall behind the drumset are a row of photos Dave has taken of his drumset, special gigs, and his former band from New York, Hundred Monkey Theory.

Beneath some of those photos is a welcome sign that my son Tucker made, about a year ago, welcoming friends and family to our guest area.  See, the guest bedroom is nearby, and when people come to stay, we pretty much steer clear of the basement so they can have privacy and space.  It is interesting to me that Tucker realized that this was a good place to use the painter's tape to welcome people here.  I can't bear to tear it down... in fact, I think it is now a permanent installation.

Also, barely visible on the far right in the photo above is the trunk where I keep all those aforementioned floor puzzles.

Continuing clockwise, there is the most comfortable couch I have ever sat on... it is directly across from the desk.  So, the computer monitor is also a TV screen, ready for movie viewing.  Its not like its a huge screen for a TV, but it is a huge screen for a computer!  (See desk photo above.)

The map is a geological map of the Hudson region of New York state.  It is mounted (decoupaged) on a piece of wood and screwed into the wall.

Next to the couch is a small side table that holds a vintage radio, a glass ball lamp and a framed post card.  Oh, and a Leap Frog keyboard.

To the right of the stairs (not pictured) is a closet door, and then the shoe bench.  Most of our frequently worn shoes are kept here, because we go out the garage and van through the door pictured on the far right.

Above the bench is an old mirror (not pictured), found in an abandoned house years ago.  To the right of mirror are two rows of hooks for hats, bags, scarves, coats, and so on.  I just really, really love this photo!

That's it for the family room.  Anyone want to come play on the drums?  My kids' friends love to come over and hack around.  I love having them all play... seems to be a glimpse of what is to come when the kids are older and want more instruments, amps and space.

House Tour :: Deck

So a friend of mine tagged me on a Pinterest/Etsy find that is both hilarious and disturbing...

It is a nice reminder that though I am interested in all my blogging, not everyone is.  That's why I am not going to start this part of the house tour with some stupid sentence like "It's the part of the house tour you've been waiting for!"  Because, most likely, you've not been waiting for anything on my blog.  Ha!  I should write more about why I blog and why it's important to me.... but another time.

So, here it is, the post you've all not been waiting for.  [Hmmm, I don't think Jess would approve that sentence.  But, it's kind of funny, if not grammatically awesome.]

It's the new deck!  [Most photos shot by Sarah Cook, though these photos were edited by me (a complete novice), so check out her blog for her real work... she is a very talented photog, designer, and Photoshopper (is that a word?).]

The deck was an addition that we hired out this spring.  It has been complete for some time now, though we have been using it even before the screens were put  in.  It is sort of camp or cabin-like and there seems to be an irresistable pull to come out here and sit.

We eat out here regularly...almost every dinner during the week, and most meals on the weekends.  Summer in Birmingham isn't exactly outside eating weather, but the contractor installed super powerful ceiling fans and that makes all the difference.  The high chair stays on the deck, while a smaller booster lives in the kitchen for Calvin's indoors meals.  Makes it nice to not drag that clunker back and forth all the time.  [Random note to first time parents.... don't get a stand alone high chair, unless you absolutely have to.  A small portable high chair saves a ton of floor space, and is easier to clean that a big wooden chair with lots of slats.]

Turning clockwise from the table is Dave's "zero gravity" chair from Overstock.  He loves it.  The garden stool was a TJ Maxx purchase a year ago.  It was $35 and I saw it that same day at Target for $90.

Can you make out the door behind the chair above?  That leads to the uncovered are of the deck, where we have a grill, a potted basil and a potted dead spearmint.  I love the view of the willow tree from this area, though the poor thing is covered in leaf spot, along with some of my hydrangeas, butterfly bushes and some other random plants.

In the background of that photo, you can see my pathetic garden boxes, a wheelbarrow and a bit of the fire pit area.

Over the rail of the uncovered area are the zinnias... some of my favorite flowers.  So much so, that I really, really want these.  Sometimes I cut zinnias from the yard and bring them into the kitchen, which is why I planted them in the first place.

Continuing to turn clockwise, we come to a kids' table that was mine as a child.  Your eyes aren't playing tricks on you... it is wonky.  I think the movers didn't put the legs on properly and we haven't bothered to fix it.  Dad... when you're here this weekend...???

The Canada Dry box was just a flea market find, and it holds blocks, which also belonged to me and my siblings when we were little.

Above the table is the landscape plan, kept there for easy reference for working on the back yard over time.

A little metal table from Ikea is a nice queue for stuff that makes it way in and out of the house, as well as fertilizer for my crap garden.  [The fertizlier seems to be helping... my lone volunteer tomato plant just sprouted two little 'maters. Yeah, its late August.  Whatever, we'll nurture the heck out of 'em and eat the heck out of 'em.]

See the pineapple under the table top? That was a score at a road side antique store in Vermont.  Every now and then I light a small candle and it gives off such a pretty glow.

Directly across from the Ikea table is the door to the kitchen.  It's funny what different people notice in others' homes and Sarah noticed my fly swatter and pruning clippers.  They hang there because they are out of the kids'  reach and attention, and Dave and I always know where they are.

Continuing to move clockwise past the green kitchen door... the screen door to the yard is on the left of the following photo.  Beyond the deck in the background, you can see the ladder that goes up to the kids' playset.

Future plans for the deck  ::

• An outdoor rug to go under the table... should break up and lighten all the brown wood and black furniture.  I ordered the rug on Home Decorators over the weekend!
• A white-painted day bed will take the place of the zero gravity chair... the chair might make its way out to the uncovered area of the deck, once the weather gets nicer. It might be awhile on the daybed because I am building it with the help of a seasoned woodworker.  It is difficult to carve (heh...) out time to get together to build.  For example, I was supposed  to go last Saturday, but had to cancel last minute due to illness. 

That's about it for future plans.  I don't want to cram a bunch more stuff out there.  It is spacious and very functional and I want to keep it that way.  

One last shot.... a wider view taken from the fire pit.  We have a home-made sandbox, a kiddie pool that has major duct tape patches on the bottom and loads of plastic toys stored under the playset.  See... decent order, not perfect order.  [Oh and also, note the dry creek.... it is there for water control during torrential Alabama downpours that happen a few times a year... some day when I am further along in the landscaping, the dry creek won't look as lonely and bare out there.)

So, who's coming over to sit on the deck with a nice cold iced coffee?  Anyone?  Anyone?